St Paul's Safari

As told by our very own David Attenborough

MIV: This rapidly shrinking species is seen scurrying around the corridors with backpacks twice their size, dashing from lesson to lesson with the constant fear of tardiness. Often seen frequenting lunchtime homework clubs or buying Skittles from the café.

UIV: This species remains pint-sized. Frequent spottings of this species have been reported in the IT labs playing Forest Temple, usually found decked out in Hollister.

LV: What's that on the horizon? BOYS. The arrival of the opposing gender signals the purchases at American Apparel or Hammersmith Broadway meet-ups.

V: Already well integrated with the colony of creatures from Barnes, this species seems to be evolving and turning nocturnal. Often seen checking Instagram or basking in the glory of sitting on chairs in assembly, rather than the unforgiving wooden floor.

VI: This species must face the survival test of GCSEs, battling intense boredom over the course of six weeks in order to progress to the top of the food chain: the Senior School.

VII: Best spotted at 11.45am outside (or inside) the dining room taking advantage of the easy access to food. Listen carefully and you can hear their heartbeats from a mile away due to over-consumption of caffeine.

VIII: ENDANGERED: rarely seen due to constant hibernation from university prep and work. Please call the rare species hotline if seen.

Olivia Dodd VII